III. The Knowing

[madaboutit]

Lunch came and went, full of pages and her sweet voice, though Sweeney enjoyed them at a distance. In the chair instead of on the bed, he patiently shared her time until the afternoon grew late, and he excused himself, taking the older tray with him. It seems like it will be the pattern; one tray always left behind for her to keep what is still useful.

Dinner arrives, but he doesn't. A woman in flowing robes brings the meal, but she only steps in enough to put it on the ground, not bothering to collect anything. She doesn't speak or make eye contact.

Breakfast is the same.

When midday arrives, so does Sweeney, tray in hand. This time, however, he's not wearing his vest, only his simple, pale shirt. He crosses without hesitation, setting the tray on the end of the bed before crouching to rearrange the older things into a more efficient stack to take with him.

"I didn't mean ta leave you waitin'," he starts without segue. Sweeney's eyes remain low, but the apology in his voice is a little heavier than it would normally be, if the issue was simple tardiness.

The Collaring
Upping the Sexuality Game
Shared Bath
Bathing Ritual

Comments

[whatsinfrontofyou]

The wait is long enough, and enough of a departure from their pattern as freshly established as it is, that Vex had enough time for anxiety to start to set in. While she doesn't let herself contemplate it deeply, it's there in the back of her mind while he's gone—wondering if her refusal to wear the collar got Sweeney punished, if he wouldn't get the full week after all, if there would be someone else in his place when another handler appeared.

It's a relief when he does arrive, but not one that dispels her worries.

"It's fine," she says, which isn't exactly a lie but isn't exactly true either. He doesn't owe her anything, though, does he?

Vex fidgets, waiting a brief moment to see if he'll explain on his own. When he doesn't, or at least not promptly, she continues.

"Are you—" She was going to say all right, but she stops, unsure what that even would mean in the context. After a stumble, she corrects herself. "Are you going to be able to stay a while now?"

That seems like a safe place to start.

[madaboutit]

He stands and nods once.

"I am."

Sweeney carries the stack to the vanity where he places it before turning the chair to face the bed. He doesn't sit, though. His eyes lift to find hers.

"Would ya like me to?"

[whatsinfrontofyou]

She would. It's not so easy to just say that, though. Vex stands from her seat on the bed, arms crossing her chest. She's back in a gown, the same one he'd brought the previous morning.

"I thought you might," she says, hedging her answer uncertainly.

She struggles with what to say after that, how to clarify her questions.

"What happened to your vest?"

[madaboutit]

It's not beyond Sweeney that Vex has a great resistance to 'yes' and 'no', but he's trying to be patient. He suspects it's hard to let herself actually want small things when the big ones are still outstanding, and he's guessing that today is not going to help with that.

In response to her question, he swallows as his gaze falters. Sweeney manages the ghost of a polite smile, trying to play things off.

"Just decided not ta wear it today." He shakes his head. "It ain't somethin' I gotta do or anythin'. It's nothin' formal."

[whatsinfrontofyou]

It's not an answer that puts her at ease, but she doesn't press him on it. It's just a vest.

"I see." Vex licks her lips, chewing on the lower one briefly before she opts for a somewhat more direct tactic. "Can you tell me what kept you?"

[madaboutit]

Well, might as well cut to the chase. Sweeney takes a slow breath and raises his eyes again.

"I was granted an audience with the King, ta make yer petition."

He leaves it for a moment to sit, but it's not hard to tell that it wasn't a shining victory.

[whatsinfrontofyou]

The worries that had been abstract come into focus, suddenly very specific. Her heart beats faster. The outcome does seem... well, easy to guess.

"Ah." Which puts her in a difficult position. And reminds her she has no real bargaining power here. "And His Grace declined?"

They may as well air that. Make it real.

[madaboutit]

The scrunch of his expression implies that it's not as simple as that. Sweeney doesn't take long to clarify.

"His Grace acknowledges an' understands yer want. He notes it as quite reasonable a thing, an' sees no reason ya shouldn't have it." Of course, there's a big But waiting in the wings.

"He'll consider it as a gift, fer yer Consummation." No promises made, but at least it's on the table. Sweeney wets his lip before sucking it slowly between his teeth.

"He made it clear that such a thing is not mine ta give."

[whatsinfrontofyou]

There's a weird pain associated with not having her hopes dashed, having the possibility of seeing her brother again still dangling just out of reach. In a way it would be easier if the answer was no, because it would bring a sense of certainty.

The rest reaches her a little more slowly, wriggling through the complicated knot of emotion.

"How did he make it clear?" she asks slowly, looking for Sweeney's eyes.

[madaboutit]

There's no hesitation in meeting her when she seeks them. With a quick swallow, Sweeney draws his shoulders back a touch.

"He told me. His words were quite succinct." There are no loopholes or gray areas when it comes to that particular topic.

"I tried, truly." Even in his failure, he hopes she believes that.

[whatsinfrontofyou]

After what he said the day before, how he told her that she was worth all this effort, Vex isn't sure she could disbelieve him. Not without calling into question every other thing he's said, her whole impression of him.

"I know you did," she says finally, looking away.

The time left in Sweeney's week suddenly feels very short, though, and she'll have to make a decision before it ends. No deferring an answer while she waits on the king. No letting someone else make a yes for her based on conditionals.

"Where does that leave us?"

[madaboutit]

He's grateful that she doesn't argue that. It's not nothing. That said, the answer to her question isn't likely to be one she wants to hear, but at least it's simple.

"The same place we were yesterday." The tilt of his head is slight, but noticeable.

"Just with the knowin' outta the way."

In that moment, he shifts his weight with the sense of awkwardness. After a beat, Sweeney starts to speak again, recognizing that, at some point, the truth of the situation isn't going to change.

"Would ya like me ta leave fer a while? Give ya some space?" Perhaps she'll need time to sit with the revelation.

[whatsinfrontofyou]

"No." She answers almost too quickly. She shoves a stray lock of hair behind her ear, shaking her head. She continues, less decisively. "No, I'd rather you stay. I've had enough time to myself."

The woman who brought her other meals hadn't even exchanged a word.

"Please, stay."

[madaboutit]

Sweeney wishes there was more relief in that than there is, but at least there's a little. He nods tightly and sits.

"Would ya like ta read another chapter? Or...do ya have more questions?" He does his best to keep things as gentle as he can, but the reality they're both facing is increasingly present.

[whatsinfrontofyou]

Vex studies his face as she takes in the answer. She doesn't think he's lying that nothing's changed, but it feels as though it has. For Vex, it feels as though everything has changed.

She's not sure she can pretend otherwise.

"I have questions, but I don't think you can answer most of them."

She steps closer, almost leaning in as she looks for... something. She's not sure what. A sign.

"Are you going to give up?"

[madaboutit]

When she moves closer to him, he looks up to meet her eyes in resolved sincerity.

"No. I'm not givin' up 'til you tell me you don't want me." Sweeney takes a slow breath to mark more weight. "If ya do, I'll respect yer decision. If ya don't..." He wets his lips.

"I'll stay with you 'til another comes ta take you."

The week isn't a hard limit where he's cut off; it just makes her open season. Sweeney just knows that she's of great value, and more than one will be waiting in the wings to poach her.

[whatsinfrontofyou]

"It's not that I don't want you."

She's only known him a few days, but the more he talks to him the more true that's become.

"It's the collar I don't want."

Unfortunately, it seems that at least in the long term, it's a package deal.

[madaboutit]

"I understand."

It's not that he's not empathetic; Sweeney just knows that, eventually, she'll be in one, even if it's not his. He suspects she knows that, too.

"I'll do what I can ta keep ya out of it, as long as I can. If that's what you want."

[whatsinfrontofyou]

She does know it. She still doesn't fully understand why, but at least the fact it will happen has sunk in. The inevitability hangs over her like an executioner's axe.

Frustrated, she goes to the tray on the bed, taking some bread and meat despite the fact she can't say she has an appetite. It gives her something to do, though.

"Would it do any good? If you did that, what would happen in the end?" Her lips pinch. "And is it worth it if the end is the same?"

[madaboutit]

Sweeney's brow crinkles low as he reflects on her questions, unsure if he has enough of their shape to give a useful answer. One, at least, has a simple answer.

"In the end, someone else will come for you." He shakes his head weakly. "I don't know what he'll do ta ya." They're all different, and they don't tend to socialize about their methods.

"I can't tell you what things are worth ta you. That's subjective ta yer own feelin's."

[whatsinfrontofyou]

"My feelings haven't done me much good so far." Grousing. Vex shoves a bite of her lunch in her mouth, the inaction getting to be too much.

Her feelings have mostly kept her not moving forward so far, waiting and sitting on other people's whim, and probably would if she listened to them up until the point someone else was less kind than Sweeney has been.

[madaboutit]

There's no argument to be made to the contrary, but that doesn't mean he wants to be cruel about it.

"Just because they haven't accomplished what ya wished dunn't mean they're wrong ta have." Feelings are impulses, free of reason and unbound to it.

"I wish I could give you more ta sate them."

[whatsinfrontofyou]

"I don't know if they even can be sated."

Maybe she'd be better off ignoring them, if she could ignore them. She's never been all that good at that, though.

Vex takes another bite, sitting down.

"I should think."

[madaboutit]

Well...okay. Sweeney's a little lost as to what the next course of action should be. Not overall, just in this awkward moment. She's asked him to stay, but thinking doesn't normally involve conversation. After a false start, he gets to the point.

"Do ya still want me ta stay?"

[whatsinfrontofyou]

The question takes Vex off guard. It makes sense that he'd ask it, but it didn't occur to her to ask him to leave. She still doesn't want him to leave.

She still doesn't want to be alone.

"Yes," she says firmly, if a beat slow. She's sure of that. "I want you here. You've been away enough."

She licks her lips then, and tries to clarify.

"I don't mean I need time to think. I mean... I need to stop letting my feelings lead me and use my head. You understand?"